Validation
Today marks a momentous day here in the Escoe household, momentous indeed …. the day that *I* have to get my lazy ass up out of bed and get the kids off to school. See, I’ve gotten quite spoiled since Blaine quit working last summer. Although we both get up in the mornings with the kids, and I’m the one to make breakfast and pack lunch, he is actually the one who drives them to school.
Hush up! I KNOW we only live fifty yards from the school and it makes more sense for them to walk, but most mornings Kellen has his saxophone case and Kendrie has her violin case, plus their backpacks, and lunch boxes, not to mention Brayden’s insane need to NOT carry a backpack, but rather a binder, and a book bag, and her lunch box, and a purse. Plus Kendrie prefers to enter the school on the elementary side, which is nearest our house, but the middle school entrance is on the other side of the building, so in all honesty, they have to go aaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllll the way around …… and for the last several weeks Kellen has been going in at 7:15 for extra credit but the girls don’t need to leave until 7:45 ….. plus, the dioramas and posters and costumes and etc ….. So really, short of giving them wagons to haul all their stuff in, it’s just easier to drive them. At least, it’s been easier for ME, since Blaine is the one who drives them, and I stand at the doorway, waving goodbye, still wearing my pajamas, until I no longer see his brake lights then I rush back inside and get on the computer and obsessively check all the blogs I follow and read Facebook for an hour or two. Cause you know, that’s how I roll. Why spend time cleaning house, or getting dressed, when there is Twitter to update? Or blogs to type? Or photos to order online? So like I was saying, Blaine wasn’t working when school started and we got in a nice routine of him taking the kids each morning.
And, (drum roll please) guess what happens today?
That’s right, he is, at long last, joining the ranks of the employed once again! And can I just say, he is SO excited that the days, weeks, MONTHS of paperwork and obstacles and phone calls and meetings and waiting on this office to contact this office so person A can get the form they need from person B but person B is on vacation but while you’re waiting, the paperwork that office C sent us is incomplete so we’ll need a copy of the DDY87465544630 version X not Y, carbon form but not the current one the one dated from last year and wait, no, it won’t work if the VA office doesn’t send the retirement papers to the Personnel office by Tuesday and then we’ll need the blood of a purple goat who has been raised on watermelon seed pastures in Ireland by a beautiful shepherdess with golden locks but only one leg named Inga ……………. ad nauseam.
The job he was offered, that would have started September 1, fell through. They offered him another job, which he immediately accepted, in hopes he could start October 1. Then November 1. And now, FINALLY, on Nov 16, he is starting his new job.
Well, not really. Today he is starting his seven day “Welcome to Tinker Air Force Base!” Orientation, so he can learn all kinds of things about the place he’s been working for the past two years (not to mention three additional years in the ’90’s) like “which gate should you use to come on base” and “where the BX is located” and “driving policies on a military installation” and “how our computer system works”. You know, things he has NO clue about.
And then, his last day of Orientation will be next Tuesday, and I wonder, will he work one day before getting Thanksgiving off, or will they just say the hell with it, it’s taken this long already, let’s just aim for December 1???
Anyway, excitement about the new job, aside, that is not why he is feeling validated. Instead, it’s because we finally got the results of the disability determination done by the Veterans Affairs Office. You might remember when the Air Force gave him his (still unwanted, still working hard not to be bitter about it) medical retirement, they claimed him at 100% disabled. And I made some smarmy comment about how only a person with no arms and legs, and no HEAD, in a coma, on a ventilator, could possibly be 100% disabled. Blaine was still working full time ….. the ONLY thing he could not do in his job capacity was deploy overseas ….. so how on earth could that qualify him as 100% disabled?
Well, it appears the VA did not agree with the Air Forces’ determination of 100%. No, they did not agree at all.
Would you like to guess where THEY ranked Blaine? What level of disability the Veterans Affairs office gave him, after months and months of reviewing his files?
50% ?
No.
75% ?
No.
100% ?
No.
200%?
No.
300% ?????????
No.
Try, 340% disabled.
How is that even possible? You might ask. Or at least, that’s what I asked. I mean, I’m no math wizard, but last time I checked, 100% made a whole, so how could he possibly be 340% disabled? Not to be tactless, but wouldn’t a person who is 340% disabled be …………. well ………….. you know.
No, apparently, it is possible. Not only “possible”, but determined to be the case for Blaine.
He was given a 100% rating for the cancer itself, because the original diagnosis was so long ago (almost seven years he’s been going through this crap,) because it has returned so many times, and because his doctors are still constantly checking for another recurrence. (Pet scan next week ….. and so the nerves begin jangling again …..)
He received an 80% disability rating for facial disfigurement. Honestly, this is the rating that makes me the most sad, because I know this is one that bothers him greatly. He is extremely self-conscious of the way he looks, and does not enjoy at ALL going out in public. He says people stare, and whisper, and he knows they are wondering what happened. To me, he is still the same handsome guy I married. Even more importantly, he is smart and kind and gentle and a good father. But I know when he looks in the mirror that is not what he sees, and it makes me sad for him.
30% for the loss of his hard and soft palate.
30% for sleep apnea, caused by cancer.
30% for neck-tongue syndrome. “The neck-tongue syndrome, consisting of pain in the neck and altered sensation in the ipsilateral half of the tongue aggravated by neck movement, has been attributed to damage to lingual afferent fibres travelling in the hypoglossal nerve to the C2 spinal roots. The lingual afferents in the hypoglossal nerve are thought to be proprioceptive.” Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah. What this means for Blaine is he cannot bear cold weather. Even what you and I might consider “cool” is too much for him. When his neck gets cold, the blood supply to that part of his head and tongue are shut off (blocked?) causing extreme pain. His tongue literally turns white and the only way we have found to prevent it is for him not to let his neck get cold. (Duh. We’re such geniuses sometimes.) Aside from staying inside a controlled temperature room at all times, which is impossible, of course (unless you’re that boy in a bubble, which hey, might not be such a bad idea ….) is for him to make sure his neck is covered any time he goes outside when the temperature is not pleasant. Although, even cold water in warm temperatures can cause it, as we discovered at the local water park last summer. So now he wears a lot of scarves, neck wraps, and in the winter, a full neoprene face mask when driving to work in the mornings. I have no doubt he’ll be arrested as a suspect in a 7-11 robbery some day, but if it keeps the pain away, it’s worth it. In a nutshell, if you’ve never heard of neck-tongue syndrome, it sounds silly. If you’ve ever experienced it, you know it can be debilitating.
10% for hypertension
10% for tinnitus/rhinitis
And various and other sundry items, which when you add them up, equal 340%.
What we found interesting was that he received nothing for the permanent hearing loss, the disfigurement of his arms or legs due to harvest surgeries, fatigue, for the loss of function of salivary glands, for the dysphagia he has due to that salivary loss, or most bizarre of all, the chronic pain he now lives with. The pain is the number one problem he has on a daily basis, and yet that didn’t even warrant mentioning in the report.
Although apparently, as we discovered, there are some benefits to being 100% (or more) disabled. Tax benefits, education benefits, and best of all, a free lifetime hunting and fishing license from the state. Which we have to laugh about because do you remember what I bought Blaine for Christmas last year? Which he threw in the trash by accident and had to dig out?? Yeah, a lifetime fishing license. (sigh …..that was money well spent … if only we had known …. )
Back when Kendrie was on treatment for leukemia, we got to do some amazing things, because of it. Her Make-A-Wish trip, Lighthouse Family Retreats, Camp Sunshine, CURE events, Quite Heroes, etc. The people, services, and support which are in place to help families struggling to get through cancer treatment are a lifeline, and a godsend. But I used to say back then …. I would trade it all in a heartbeat.
“You’re so LUCKY you get to do those things!”
No. I wouldn’t call it lucky. I would call it a silver lining … I would call it making lemonade out of lemons. I would call it making the best of a bad situation. But I wouldn’t call it lucky.
And I wouldn’t call Blaine’s 340% disability rating lucky, either. In fact, of all the adjectives in the English language I might choose to describe his situation, and even some in the German, French, and Spanish languages, “lucky” is not even in the top 500 list.
I do call it validating, however.
To the people (and yes, we know they are out there) who haven’t understood what he’s gone through, on a daily basis, these past six and a half years.
To the people who think he should just sac up and get on with it.
To the people who get annoyed and frustrated (um, yeah, this is me, looking in a mirror) when he doesn’t have the energy or enthusiasm to do things.
To the people who have taken it personally when he has let relationships falter.
To the people who don’t understand that sometimes, getting out of bed and just making it through the day takes everything he has.
This is proof of the physical and mental challenges he has faced. I say mental because even though I respect his privacy and don’t discuss it here, if you think this hasn’t affected him emotionally, then you’re either very shallow, or very dense. Many of these challenges he has overcome …. some he has not. Most he is still working on. At least he’s trying. It would have been easy to roll over at this point, but he got up every day, took his kids to school, then came home and did whatever he needed to do to start working again.
We have had a wonderful three months of him being home. It’s my opinion that he has been better rested by not working, and has had more energy, and been more active. I’m worried, to be honest, that going back to a full-time job, PLUS the oncoming winter weather, is going to be difficult for him. He wants to work, though. He likes what he does for a living. He still wishes he were active duty. I still wish whatever would make him happy.
So, I’m rambling. Where am I going with this?
Yes, the 340% is a validation. And yes, there are even some benefits. But just like I would have traded all the “perks” from Kendrie’s treatment, I would trade these as well. In a heartbeat, to have him whole. Faster than a heartbeat. In a hea ….. (that was a lame attempt at a joke.)
Even if it meant I had to get up out of bed and take my own kids to school every day forever.
32 Responses to Validation
November 16th, 2009 saat: 10:51 AM
Those last few sentences are some of the most beautiful I’ve ever read. Your love for him is palpable. God bless you!
November 16th, 2009 saat: 10:54 AM
Hooray! I know Blaine is happy to be going back to work
But Kristie, the rest of this blog is what hit me the most- because the struggles a person with chronic medical issues faces each day just to get through the day are so often overlooked by those outside the immediate situation (or as you mention and I am often guilty of- even by those closest to the situation sometimes). What a wonderful thing validation can be.
November 16th, 2009 saat: 11:04 AM
One word for Blaine Escoe – HERO!!!
(And you, too!)
We love you guys……
November 16th, 2009 saat: 11:18 AM
What a beautiful, loving tribute to your amazing, courageous husband Kristie. You are indeed a lucky, lucky family to have each other.
November 16th, 2009 saat: 11:34 AM
I had to drive my child to school today because husband is out of town. I even continued on and went to work-out! Now that is a true miracle!!
We ended up with 40% disability and got the same 10% for tinnitus. That’s the worst of his struggles because it truly affects his sleeping. But, no complaining from us and your message reminds me of that.
Hope Blaine enjoys his job and it doesn’t wear him down too much.
Prayers and hugs,
Connie F-G
November 16th, 2009 saat: 11:54 AM
Heh, if orientation were for a grade I’m sure Blaine would get an easy A. I’m happy he gets to go back to work!
November 16th, 2009 saat: 12:00 PM
Dear Kirstie,
First, a confession. I’ve faithfully “lurked” you for a long time. Your blog makes me laugh and cry for many reasons. And as much as I feel your love for Blaine I also feel how hard this has been for him. Honestly, when I look at the many pictures you post of your family I don’t see anything but the eyes of a brave and loving family man. A man willing to serve our counrty for the freedoms I enjoy with my family. He could have purple hair and a third arm and I’ll never see anything different and I do believe I’m not alone. For what it’s worth. Please thank him for me.
p.s. Sonic has just recently cone into my life and I can now say – I. Get. It. !! =)
November 16th, 2009 saat: 1:25 PM
I just wanted to say Thank you to your husband for all his years of service to this country. You are one lucky woman.
November 16th, 2009 saat: 2:02 PM
So happy Blaine is back at work – I know how happy that must make him and the validation is way overdue. I know you’ll add it to the list of things for which you are thankful. Tell him the Weddingtons are thrilled. See you soon we hope!
November 16th, 2009 saat: 2:03 PM
“a free lifetime hunting and fishing license from the state.”
I wonder what percent disabled one needs to be to receive a benefit that requires you to go out in the woods or on a boat and throw around things like guns and fishing rods.
And who came up with that? “I know, in addition to a tax benefit for learning new skills, let’s give ‘em free hunting.”
November 16th, 2009 saat: 2:21 PM
I experienced a tiny portion of this just once when my husband was in a car accident that damaged his lungs which meant he basically had to sit at home and rest. The rare times we went out I had to do all the work of looking after our family because he just didn’t have it in him. This was when we had 6 children and the oldest was only 8. People judged him without knowing the whole story.
Thank you for sharing so honestly your life and all that is entailed in it. I appreciate it and will add your husband to my prayers as he heads back to work. The world would be a better place if there were more men like him.
November 16th, 2009 saat: 3:34 PM
Congrats on the new job. Maybe you have already mentioned this, but have you ruled out fillers (something like Restylane, Radiesse or Perlane) to help restore some of the volume to Blaine’s face? I don’t know if he is a candidate for that type of procedure, but the results can be amazing.
November 16th, 2009 saat: 6:25 PM
I think your DH is still an attractive dude too. I don’t mean that in an icky “I want your man” kinda way. And I am not lying. Sure I see the dent in his face from the stupid cancer. But he has the kindest/sensitive eyes, and that is what I notice first/most. Then knowing what kind of person he is, knowing of his courage and bravery, his love for his family, that just makes him look all the better.
Tell him I said congrats on his new job. I hope yall go celebrate, and come back with a funny story for us:)
November 16th, 2009 saat: 6:31 PM
So glad Blaine is back at work. It’s hard for them to just stay at home for long when they have spent the last 20+ years putting in well over 40 hours a week. I wish him well
November 16th, 2009 saat: 6:42 PM
340% percent disabled? Shouldn’t that mean you should draw like 7 million dollars a month in disability payments. I work for a doc office/hospital and people there with “disabilities” draw some decent checks. One of them even told us the other day that she was late because she didn’t like to get out of bed and was not able to work because she had a temper and didn’t like to work. That person was “disabled” with a monthly check and medicare benefits. Oh, and she was PREGNANT!!!!!! If she drew a check then surely somebody that worked his ass off for years while suffering through cancer treatments and the big crap sandwich that came with all that should get at least 7 million a month, why not make it ten!!!!! And that hard working man has to find a civilian job even though he is 340% disabled because he can’t bear the thought of not being a hard-working, productive member of society!!!! I salute you Blaine Escoe for all your years of hard work to make my life safer and easier, but most importantly, for your strong work ethic and your ability to be a well-respected, dedicated, super man in my book!!!!!! When you look in the mirror you should just see that big “S” on your chest because you rock!!!!!!!!
November 16th, 2009 saat: 6:46 PM
Awww Kristie, I love how much you love Blaine! Prayers being sent for his scans next week.
November 16th, 2009 saat: 8:42 PM
Congrats to Blaine on his job!
I would like to say something…. I was born with a facial anomaly. My condition is sooo rare. I know what it is like for people to stare and whisper and all. I like to dazzle them with my skills.
If Blaine every wants to talk, he is more than welcome to contact me thru Facebook. (I am the person with the Jayhawk photo.) LOL)
November 16th, 2009 saat: 9:06 PM
So glad that Blaine is back in the office chair! They’ll find out how lucky they are to have him. As for his appearance, I wish he looked in the mirror and saw the same handsome man we see! (I hope that’s not inappropriate to say about someone else’s husband, but I always thought Blaine was a hottie and that hasn’t changed one bit)
November 16th, 2009 saat: 10:18 PM
Yeah…I know this is what he needs, even if it wears him out. I just hope not too much! I am so happy for you guys. Does this mean he has to go clothes shopping? That would kill Kenny in and of itself. Polyester probably never sounded so good! Wish him well for us! We love you guys. xo P.S. We still only see the kindest husband, good friend, and awesome father he has always been.
November 16th, 2009 saat: 10:39 PM
I so admire Blaine Escoe! What a hero he is. He has endured so much and so have you.
Best wishes in the new job! Its a new start for you all.
November 17th, 2009 saat: 12:07 AM
340%? I know I am not good at math but I just don’t get that one. I am glad Blaine is back at work…but driving the kids to school- hey, somebody’s got to do it! I did see a really cool Sponge Bob full face mask for winter…now that would be cool to drive to the base gates in!
November 17th, 2009 saat: 1:22 AM
Ok, first of all, what a lovely tribute to your brave and wonderful husband.
2nd? I still think he’s an attractive guy. His eyes speak volumes. I saw those family pics you posted and it wasn’t until this post that I even realised something was “wrong” (sorry, that’s totally not the right word)..and had to go back and look. I hadn’t even noticed the first time around.
Blaine Escoe….you rock.
November 17th, 2009 saat: 2:24 AM
So much to comment on….
First off, yeah, don’t you love the paperwork? I swear, they make up all those forms just to keep more people employed by the government. Then the orientation….brilliant. I’m guessing it’s mandatory, too, not optional, even if you’ve worked at the base before and hello! actually been in the military, which must account for at least a significant part of the civilian employees at the base.
Secondly, as anyone who has had a family member with cancer knows, there is so much more than “just” treatment. I mean, the treatment is horrific enough in and of itself, but the emotional, physical, spiritual toll on top of it is just a whole other level.
Lastly, yes, we, like you, would trade any and all “perks” to just have the “before”. Or as I liked to say when the social workers would talk about the “new normal”, “Uh, I liked the old normal a whole lot better, thank you very much”.
On the other hand, it is totally cool to be able to say you are 340% disabled and then walk away with no explanation….let them figure it out!
Marie
November 17th, 2009 saat: 7:35 AM
I don’t even know what to say.. Your entry made me laugh and left me in tears.. Please tell Blaine how happy this stranger is that he has a job since that is what he wants and needs to do.. He’s an amazing man with an amazing spouse.
Cancer has left my mom with a permanent trach and she has the same problem once the weather gets even a little cold.. in her case, it makes her gasp for breath and her lungs spasm. Most people who have never been through any cancer treatments for themselves or someone they love just cannot get it.
So enjoy whatever silver lining you can find!!!
November 17th, 2009 saat: 8:47 AM
I love you guys.
I love how you love your husband. I love how you rise up in defense and in praise of him.
Kudos to Blaine, for all he has been through, held his head up and persevered.
And kudos to you too, Kristie, because these haven’t been easy years for you either.
We love us some Escoes!
November 17th, 2009 saat: 7:12 PM
Most days you make me chuckle and even LOL. Occasionally, you make me cry. Today was one of those days. Blaine’s a truly honorable man!
November 17th, 2009 saat: 7:38 PM
Worked in management for years before the birth of my child. Dealt waaay too much with people who abused, in a BIG way, the disability system, hoping to eake out enough to keep them from working while getting a paycheck. Seeing the percentage assigned to Blaine just blows me away. People, this man is a ROCK… most of us would be layin’ on the couch or in bed with 1/3 that percentage. Blaine, YOU are AMAZING. Hero on steroids… ! Kristie, not only is he the best husband imaginable, but as a father figure, he just ROCKS! Seriously, your kids are absorbing life lessons that cannot be taught by any way other than observation; I am in awe of this man. God bless you a thousand times over, Blaine Escoe.. please know that I’ll be praying throughout your scans. It is on my calendar… you deserve at least that from me and so many others.
November 17th, 2009 saat: 9:32 PM
Hooray for Blaine for being able to start back to work- I am sure it has felt like this day would never come. Cracking up about the orientation- and when work will start “for real.”
I had no idea how extensive Blaine’s side effects were. So much to handle. I had no idea- you and your family take so much in stride.
So how was day two of taking the kids to school? Those mornings are brutal-
November 17th, 2009 saat: 9:38 PM
some days it’s hard for me to get out of bed. i can’t even begin to imagine how you guys get through it. you truly are inspiring to all of us and i hope that all goes well with his new job. blaine, you’re extremely strong and i look up to you. thanks for the reminder that we shouldn’t take things for granted. sending prayers your way!
November 18th, 2009 saat: 6:14 AM
Does a non-military person salute a military person? I’m not sure how that works, so forgive my ignorance. However, please picture me standing and saluting Blaine…or having my hand over my heart. My heart is heavy and happy for you guys at the same time. And here’s my salute to you….or a hug….or a thumbs-up…….or whatever gesture is appropriate to say that I think you have a very special family and that I admire the husband that we’ve come to know.
November 18th, 2009 saat: 9:28 AM
I have nothing but the highest respect for Blaine. I wish him all the luck for his new job, and I think they are lucky to get him.
Just curious, is there a difference in benefits or anything if you are more than 100% disabled? I, too, had never known you could be categorized as more than 100%.
November 18th, 2009 saat: 9:39 AM
Blaine – congratulations on the new job, my friend. You Are My Hero!
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