You know *exactly* what I’m talking about, right?

The opening to that Def Leppard song, that none of us knew what on earth it really meant, or what the hell they were actually saying, but we all liked it, and knew it made us feel good?

Yeah, that’s sort of how I feel about this:

In a nutshell:  “Previous lesion in cavernous sinus (brain cavity)  — GONE.”

And, even better news:  “No new lesions”

How’s that for a great report?

I mean, we’re not exactly throwing Blaine a ticker tape parade and calling it a day.  He’s still got all the previous tumors … in his cheeks, near his carotid artery in the neck, in his sinus cavities ….   Fortunately, they’ve all responded well to radiation, and are all dormant at this time.  I say “at this time”, not to be pessimistic, but because, well, let’s be honest.  The cancer has spread three times already.  Would we really be shocked if it spread again?  No.    Will he continue to get MRIs done every three months, to see if they’ve spread?  Yes.  Does this mean he is cured from cancer?  No, I wouldn’t say that.  But as long as the rest of the tumors remain dormant, he is in remission.  As long as no new tumors pop up anywhere, he won’t have to undergo any new cancer treatments.  We just continue to work on the side effects from the previous treatments, which to be honest, are probably worse than the cancer treatments themselves.

BUT!!!  For one of the tumors to respond so completely to radiation that it disappears completely????  Hey, I’ll take that as a blessing from above, any day.

Even if the majority of  the language from the rest of the MRI report is all unta, gleeben, glauben, globen to me.

Since several of you asked, I thought I would post a copy of the cell phone contract we put into effect when Brayden got her first cell phone a few months ago.  We decided against putting her on our family plan, although that would have been cheaper, and instead bought her a pay-as-you-go phone.   The one thing I don’t like about this phone is that we receive no monthly bill, listing calls and texts made.  Brayden understands that I can (and do) check her phone for calls and texts made and received, but there’s really nothing stopping her from deleting things before I see them, and it also uses up her minutes while I’m doing it.  Except for that, though, I really think this was the best way for us to go the first time around.  The first month she managed her minutes well, the second and third month she had to pay for additional minutes out of her own pocket. 

I also think its only fair to mention that half way through the third month she broke rule #16 so flagrantly that the phone was taken away and has been in my desk drawer for the past five weeks.  She asks every day when can she have the phone back, and I’ll admit that I had already begun to appreciate the convenience of it.  But until she shows greater understanding about what she did wrong, it will stay in a drawer, and I’ll continue to track her down the old fashioned way …. actually getting out of my car and going inside a building to get her.

I do think the contract worked well, though.  We took the phone away for a few 24-hour periods due to grades, and she couldn’t complain about it …. it was spelled out plain and clear.  She was very respectful of not using the phone at dinner, at church, etc.  And by using a pay-as-you-go phone, she didn’t go hog-wild and have it constantly attached to her hand at all times.  600 minutes a month works out to 20 minutes (or 40 texts) a day.  Personally, I think that’s plenty for a 12 year old.

I would LOVE to see a copy of any new-driver contracts out there, and if you e-mail it to me, let me know if I have permission to reprint it here.  In the meantime, I’m beginning to think we should have written up a Facebook contract …… (sigh) ……    PS.  Although its very friendly of you, if you are *my* friend on Facebook, please don’t try to friend my daughter.  She is under clear instruction that she can only be friends with kids from her school, and close friends of the family.  So no offense, but she’ll just ignore you.  Or at least she better! 

***********************************************************

Cell Phone Contract Between Brayden Escoe and her parents, Blaine and Kristie Escoe

Dated11-05-09 and in effect until such time

as Brayden no longer has the phone in question

 This contract is intended to outline the rules and responsibilities of both Brayden Escoe, holder of said cell phone, and Blaine and Kristie Escoe, provider(s) of said cell phone.  While firm, the following rules and regulations are also open to negotiation at any time by any party of this contract.

1.  Parents agree to provide 600 minutes of cell phone service to the phone on the1st of each month.   As per the service provider, two texts equal one minute.

 2.  If at any time during the month Brayden reaches the 600 minute limit, any additional minutes for that month must be purchased by her.  Or, she can wait until the 1st of the next month to use the phone, when her parents will put 600 more minutes on the phone.

 3.  Because this is a pre-paid phone, service will be discontinued if there are no minutes left.  (see Rule 2.)   File under:  School of Hard Knocks.

 4.  As per the policy of xxxxxxx Public Schools, this phone is not to be seen or heard during the school day.  If the phone is taken from Brayden for misuse at school, and either of her parents have to pick it up from the office, she will lose phone privileges for a period of one (1) week.  No exceptions.

 5.  There are to be no outgoing calls or texts on school nights after 9:30pm. 

 6.  There are to be no outgoing calls or texts on weekend nights after 10:30 pm.

 7.  The phone will be placed in the kitchen on a charger at night, every night, all night, turned to the OFF position, at 9:30 on school nights and 10:30 on weekend nights, to make sure any incoming calls or texts do not bother the family. 

8.  If using or checking the phone on any morning causes Brayden to run late for school or any other activities, she will lose phone privileges for 24 hours.

9.  If using or checking the phone at any time during the day or evening causes Brayden to run late for any activity or event of any kind, she will lose phone privileges for 24 hours.

10.  There will be absolutely no phone usage during meals, at the table, or in restaurants.

 11.  There will be absolutely no phone usage during church.

12.  Parents reserve the right, based on attitude, to revoke cell phone privileges for any 24 hours period.  Parents also reserve the right, no questions asked, to request the phone be turned off and put away at any time.  Failure to do so will result in privileges being revoked for a 24 hour period.

 13.  Cell phone privileges will be tied to academic performance.  Any missed assignment (as per the parent portal) will result in 24 hours revoked phone privilege.  Any daily grade below a 75 will result in 24 hours revoked phone privilege.  Any test grade below a 75 will result in a MINIMUM 24 hours revoked phone privilege.  It will be the responsibility of the parents to stay current with the grades via parent portal, but cell phone privileges can and will be revoked in a “retro” method if necessary.

 14.  If after a period of time Brayden has proven responsibility and maturity with these phone privileges, consideration will be given to the possibility of adding her to the family plan with unlimited calling and texting.  It is at the discretion of the parents when such change will (might) take place.

 15.  In addition to at home and at school, Brayden is to use discretion and courtesy regarding cell phone usage.  She is to be respectful of other people and put the phone away if asked by an adult in their homes, or if it is bothering others in a public place.

 16.  Any instance of cell phone “trouble” ie. including but not limited to, instances of cell phone bullying, prank calls, sexting, fake names on text messages, or general disregard for the intention of the phone will result in immediate revocation of cell phone privileges, for such length of time as determined by her parents.  Brayden also understands and accepts total responsibility for any usage of her phone by any person she might lend the phone to.

 These rules can be updated and/or changed at any time to reflect current need.

 ______________________________________________________________

Name                                                                                       Date

______________________________________________________________

Name                                                                                       Date

______________________________________________________________

Name                                                                                       Date

Thanks so much, truly, for the personal stories and suggestions regarding kids and banking accounts.  I think this upcoming Spring Break, when we have some spare time on our hands, we’ll all mosey on over to the local bank (yes, the one that gives out warm Otis Spunkmeyer cookies on Fridays, I’m not stupid) and see about getting some accounts set up.  I especially like that whole “anyone can deposit, but only an adult can withdraw” concept.

But, a few comments made me wonder about yet another topic ….. the idea of kids automatically getting cars when they turn 16.  I mentioned that is what my kids’ savings accounts are for (other things they want to save up for, like special toys or games, they have to do on their own, out of the rest of their allowance money) and a few of you said the idea of 16 year olds with cars gave you hives.   Which made me wonder how common, or rare, that might be in other parts of the country.

Here, I wouldn’t say its automatic.  I also wouldn’t say its a rarity.  The year I turned 16 my birthday was on the actual Labor Day holiday, which meant I couldn’t get my drivers license until the next day.  I remember feeling very annoyed and thwarted by this.  Twenty-four hours is a long time to wait when you are a teenager, right?  But the next day, my mom let me skip first hour and drove me to the DMV to take my test.  Then (since thank goodness I actually PASSED) she let me drive back home, where my car was waiting for me in the driveway.  She went on to work, and I officially began my career as a licensed driver.

My first car was a 1973 (and yes, this was in 1982)  Maverick.  It was green, with tan pleather seats.  No air conditioning, no heat.  Which meant those pleather seats were freezing in the winter, and burned the skin off the back of your thighs in the summer. My sister nicknamed it “Speedy” because, well, because it quite clearly was NOT.   I bought it from my uncle for $500 …… $500 that I had to save myself, out of my own money, doing whatever I did back then to save money.  I didn’t get an allowance, so I have very vague memories of a summer job at a wholesale bakery, and perhaps some babysitting.  What I do remember is that a large portion of the $500 I paid him was in single-dollar bills.  I’m sure my uncle appreciated that.

The vast majority of my friends also got cars when they turned 16.  Most of them, like me, got old cars that either their parents passed down to them, or that they had to buy themselves.  Only a few got new (or even new-ish) cars simply handed to them.  From that point, my parents paid my monthly insurance, provided I kept a ticket-free driving record, and gave me $10 on the first of every month, which would fill up one tank of gas.  If I couldn’t make that last all month, the car was parked until I could come up with more gas money.

The reason, I suppose, so many of us got cars (needed cars?) when we turned sixteen was because of school.  Remember, our school district does not provide busing, so we were responsible for our own transportation to and from school.  I lived about half a mile from the school and could walk …. in fact, *did* walk many times.  But by the time I was a junior in high school, which, because of my late birthday, is when I in fact turned 16, most days to and from school I was carrying books, pom-poms, and either a french horn or a saxophone, or both.  Lugging all that crap back and forth while walking, quite honestly, was a hassle.    And the majority of my friends transferred into this school, which meant they might live miles and miles and miles away.  My sister’s boys live almost 20 miles from the school.  She makes the drive, twenty-five minutes each way, at least three times a day, taking kids to school, home from school, to sports practice, to games, to after-school activities, etc.  I think she can’t wait for the day my oldest nephew turns 16 and can help out with hauling the other kids.  (Must be dependable, must be a responsible driver, must be trustworthy, blah, blah, blah.) 

I was also responsible for getting myself to and from the football stadium, about two miles from the school, for marching band practice at 7am.  Then responsible for getting myself to school by 8am.  Walking two miles in the dark was not an option in my parent’s opinion, so they did it every day, until I could do it myself.  If you didn’t already have a car, and your parents were unable to bring you, you mooched a ride from someone who did.   These days, boys’ 7th hour sports practice is at the workout facility at that same stadium ….. boys are responsible for getting themselves there, during the school day.  Our school matches freshman and sophomores, who often don’t have licenses or cars, with juniors and seniors who do.   What about sports practices that last until 4pm?  No busing home.  Either you walk home, or your parents come get you.  Unless you have a car and can drive yourself.

Also, our school had (and still has, to this day) an open campus for lunch.  Although you could walk to the elementary school and eat in the cafeteria  with the little kids  ……….. please.  Be serious.  Who’s going to do that?   Once you were a freshman, again, you either drove yourself to lunch, or got a ride from a friend.   Even today, I see the kids who aren’t old enough for cars walking the half mile to the local pizza shop or sandwich shop, or even the food court at the university across the street, for lunch.

We don’t have busing, nor do we have any form of public transportation in this town.

A car at 16, while certainly not a necessity, just makes everyone’s life easier.  Perhaps the kids who aren’t involved in school activities or sports, or who don’t have part-time jobs, or who live close to the school and don’t do anything more than go back and forth each day, well, maybe those kids don’t have a need.  But I know by the time I turned 16, my mom was thrilled to be released from even a little bit of the requirement of getting me and my sister from the dozens of places we needed to be, all the time.  You add in those first six months, when driving was shiny and exciting and new, and I was more than happy to run ANY errands for her, and I’m pretty sure it was a dreamland for her. 

I guess I tell you this to justify why me and so many of my friends had cars back then ….. although until people mentioned it in the comment section, I never gave it another thought.  I knew not EVERYONE got a car at sixteen, and certainly in big cities its not common at all.  But I guess I assumed it was more common than it might really be.

So I’m curious, where you live — cars at 16?  Yes or no?  Why or why not?

yep, I know, time for me to once again shamefully pump the peoples of the internets for their opinion.  You guys helped me through handling my daughter’s steroid rages, naming our new dog, what kind of doorbell to buy for upstairs, when and under what guidelines my children should get cell phones, and …….. other stuff, I’m sure, I just can’t think of anything right now.

So here’s my next parenting question ………… at what age (and I KNOW, blah blah, blah, different kids, different maturity levels, different responsibilities …. ETC) do you think kids are old enough to manage their own savings accounts?

My children are required to put 40% of their weekly allowance into a “save” envelope, and when that amount totals $20, they give it to me, to put in the bank.  Blaine and I also make a monthly contribution, and our children understand this money is to be used towards the purchase of a car when they turn 16 — absolutely no dipping in before that, no how, no time, for any reason, period.  At the rate we are saving, I suspect we will have three dented, rusted, Chevy Novas in our driveway in a few years.

Since Blaine and I bank out of state, we set up our kids’ savings accounts at the same out-of-state bank, so I mail in the deposits.  I also balance the statements when they arrive every three months.   I am considering transferring those funds to a local bank and having the children actually MAKE the deposits, and balance the account themselves, in an attempt to teach them basic banking skills.  Don’t mock me …. I still balance my checkbook the old fashioned way ….. with a paper statement and a calculator.  It makes me happy, so zip it, and I want my kids to learn the old-fashioned way as well.

So at what age should I expect my kids to handle their own savings, with parental supervision, of course?  I’m thinking I could have done it  way before now …. I just have visions of something a little more grown-up than accompanying my child to the bank with a piggy bank full of change in my head …. wondering if I’m on track, or if anyone wants to make any suggestions for teaching my children good money management skills.  And what’s the worst that could happen?  I wind up managing the accounts just like I am now, only they are local?  Or that Brayden could begin dating a high school drop out named Bongo who convinces her to pilfer her account to buy drugs for him and his burned-out, delinquent friends????  

sorry, mom-imagination went off track there ……

For the record, I have one that spends money like water, one that could probably squeak nickels out of his rear, he’s so savings-conscious, and one who is happy to spend her own, but just assumes when she runs out, the Bank of Mom and Dad should happily chip in.

Opinions???  And thanks in advance.

The idea of letting Brayden bring a group of friends to Great Wolf Lodge for her birthday came to us last October, when our family was there for Fall Break.  Its a really fun place (assuming you like waterparks) and although we have a blast every year when we go with the cousins and other families, Brayden was excited for the opportunity of a “girls-only” weekend, celebrating her big One-Three.

Because the kids were out of school on Presidents Day, we scheduled it for Feb 14-15th.  Brayden’s birthday was actually Saturday the 13th, but several of the girls were involved in a local choir event that afternoon, Brayden included, so with the Monday off school, the 14th-15th was going to work out perfectly.

Until we got all that snow two weeks ago, and the kids missed more days of school than the administration had built into our school calendar.  So, faced with the choice of making up school days during the year, or extending our calendar further into summer, guess which they chose?  Yep, a snow-make-up day for Feb 15th, the day we had scheduled (and PAID FOR, I might add) to go to Great Wolf Lodge.

Bummer.

We looked several weeks into the future, hoping to reschedule, but honestly, had plans every single weekend until April.  Our only real option was to either back up the trip by a day and go Saturday/Sunday, or cancel completely.  Backing up the trip a day meant the girls in the choir concert could no longer attend (Brayden at this point had already dropped out, for other reasons) but canceling completely meant NO-ONE would get to go.  Clearly, neither option was ideal.  Brayden was upset to basically “uninvite” two friends by changing the day, but honestly, it was our only option.  Kendrie, however, was THRILLED to hear the news because that meant there were now two empty spots, and Brayden was generous to let Kendrie take one of those spots and give the other to one of her best friends.

So, I called Great Wolf Lodge and was able, fortuntely, to back up our reservation by a day.  Granted, I had to pay, AGAIN, for the privilege, but faced with the possibility of canceling altogether, I was just happy to hear we could still get a room for Saturday night.

So, Saturday morning, all six girls were at the house, bags packed, ready to go.  My sister was going with us, and in fact, driving her Suburban so we could all fit in one car.  We hit the road in high spirits, singing along to the Wicked soundtrack as we headed down the highway.  We stopped for a quick lunch, and made it to GWL about three and a half hours later.

Where I was promptly informed we had no reservation.

Wait…………… WHAT?????

Apparently, when I called to change the reservation from Sunday night to Saturday night, the girl told me it had been done, and charged my credit card for the difference, but never actually made the change in the computer.  So we had no room. 

I was freaking, to say the least. 

A manager was called over because of course, naturally, why-would-there-be, there were no suites available that would sleep eight people that night …. it was a holiday weekend, after all, and they were full.  But because of the charge to my credit card, it was proof that the fault was theirs, and not mine.

Thankfully, thankfully, THANKFULLY, they offered to put us in two separate rooms, across the hall from one another,  for only an additional $279.00.  At which point my eyes bugged out of my head …….. until the girl assured me that the lodge would eat that cost, since the mistake was theirs.  Truthfully?  I would have dug out one of my kidneys with a spoon and sold it at that point, if I had to, but I was glad to know they would comp the extra charge.

Then, the receptionist asks me, “Have you been to Great Wolf Lodge before?  Are you familiar with our wrist band system?”and Kendrie whips up the cuff to her shirt, proudly showing off the green wrist band she is still wearing FROM LAST OCTOBER …. she and Brayden have a contest going to see who can wear theirs the longest before it just disintegrates.

The receptionist thought it was so neat that Kendrie had been wearing hers for over four months that she called the manager BACK over to show her …………. and the manager thought it was so neat that she promptly wrote us a voucher for eight free ice cream cones from the Sweet Shoppe. 

OK, so now I’m REALLY not complaining.  Our reservation was messed up but we still managed to get rooms, without having to pay the additional fee, AND we get free ice cream????  

You wouldn’t think my day could get any better.

But it does.

After a full afternoon/evening in the water park, we headed back up to our rooms.  The girls asked if they could stop by Starbucks on the way to the room for double-duty-rootie-tootie-chocolate-chippie-delight-frappucinos, which they assured me had NO coffee or caffeine in them.  It was, after all, after 9pm already.    After I laughed and told them, “It’s Starbucks, I’m pretty sure EVERYTHING has caffeine in it,” I agreed and into Starbucks we went.  It was a birthday weekend, after all.

And the guy behind the counter, after all the girls placed their orders, says to me, “Would you like something?  Maybe a latte or espresso on the house, for bringing in all these girls?” and, embarrassed though I was, I was forced to admit to him, “Well, I don’t drink coffee, but thanks anyway.”  He said, “You don’t ever tell a Starbucks employee that you don’t drink coffee!” and we sort of laughed, then I said, “If it makes you feel any better, I do love your hot chocolate.”  And he said, “A hot chocolate on the house it is!”

In one day —- free ice cream and free hot chocolate!  You would have thought it was MY birthday!

The next morning my sister and I decided the best plan on action was for her to take all the girls to the water park when it opened, to snag a good table and ride some of the rides before the lines got very long (which they never really did, and it surprised us, considering it was a holiday weekend ….) and I would check out of the hotel and take all the bags to the van.   Hmmmm.  Bags for eight people, plus pillows, plus the ice chest, plus the birthday cookie cake, plus the bags of snacks we brought, plus the gifts Brayden received  …. perhaps that was a bit ambitious of me, to think I could manage it all myself.

Luckily, I snagged one of the very few carts they have available for guests …. like one of the carts you can get at the airport.  Not big enough to hold ALL our stuff, but certainly able to carry more than I could manage by myself.

But here was the deal.  When we arrived Saturday afternoon, the front lot was full.  Super full.  Full as in, no-room-at-the-inn full.  So my sister drove around to the back-ish part of the hotel and parked in the conference center parking lot, but warned me it was a Loooooooooonnnngggggg trek to the front of the hotel.  So, being the smarty-pants that I am, I called the front desk when I was ready to load the car, to ask if there was a more direct exit for the conference center parking lot (which was, in itself, a huge freaking lot.)

After getting directions from the front desk clerk, I started off, with about half our luggage on the cart.  But instead of cutting THROUGH the conference center like I should have, I went around it, and out the wrong exit, on the wrong, even farther from, side of the hotel.  Into the freezing cold.  To the area behind the hotel where the trash is collected and stored.  Where the door promptly shut behind me and locked me out of the hotel. 

Oh, hello, little trash men working in the back-40 of the hotel property, clearly I am in the wrong place.  Just don’t mind me, as I traipse through this maintenance area full of ginormous garbage dumpsters, with a cart full of luggage.  Hola, senor!!

Nothing to be done about it, but start the long trek back around the hotel to the area where the conference center was.  And of course, my sister had parked on the Faaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr other side of the lot.  I estimate (no joke) that I walked about 500 yards, pushing that damn cart loaded with luggage all the way.  Through many, many sets of double doors that I had to hold open with one hand and try and push the cart with the other, knocking suitcases off the cart, trailing pillows and Pringles cans in my wake.  Uphill all the way, it felt like, through the slush in the parking lot, cold, cold wind on my face.  On the way, I saw the entrance where I SHOULD HAVE gone, and then continued walking, way past that, to my sister’s car.

I finally reached her car, unloaded the luggage, and decided to move her Suburban closer to the correct entrance.  Except I still had the luggage cart.  Which I thought I could maybe drive with my door open and just hang on to the handle, dragging the cart with me, like you might see in a movie, or something ……………….. um, no.  Obviously, not as easy as it looks.  So I sweated and strained (and perhaps cursed a bit) but finally got the cart turned upside down and pushed INTO my sister’s car, so I could drive the 200 yards back to the doors, certain that at any moment security would appear and arrest me for stealing a cart.

Then I parked, unloaded the cart from the Suburban, walked the 300 yards BACK to our rooms, through all the double doors again, loaded up the rest of the luggage, walked the 300 yards BACK to the Suburban, why hello double doors, yes, I officially hate you now, unloaded the rest of the luggage, then walked the 300 yards BACK to the hotel to join everyone else in the waterpark. 

I was exhausted, and it wasn’t even 10am. 

“Where on earth have you BEEN???!!” my sister asked.  “I couldn’t leave the table with all the stuff on it, and ride any rides until you got here ….. geesh, you sure took long enough!”

At which point I suffocated her with a plastic floaty and then shoved her dead body down the big slide.

And can you believe, no one gave me any free chocolate that time.  What a rip-0ff.

Best quote of the weekend, though …… from my sister Kelly, who is the mother of four boys, who usually has at LEAST those four boys and quite often two or three more in her car on a daily basis …… “This was the quietest car ride I’ve ever taken.  There was no hitting or yelling.  No farting noises, no burping, no one rolled down the window and spit into the wind to see if it would fly back and hit them in the face ………..”

Welcome to the wonderful world of girls, my friend.

What is …. when the kid who wins the “guess how many gumballs are in this jar” game at her class Valentines Party (357, in case you were wondering) is the same kid who has braces and can’t even chew a single one  ………..  not that you can even SEE the braces because that would mean actually showing her teeth for a photo and heaven knows that’s not allowed …..

So, this is what just two-days-before-13 looks like:

Selecting a Chinese Buffet for your birthday dinner with family, JUST SO you can eat an entire plate of crawfish.  Or crawdads.  I’m not really sure what the difference is.  They all look disgusting.

But you know what’s even more disgusting than eating an entire plate of crawdads?  Eating an entire plate of octopus.  Octopusses.  Octopi???  Whatever on earth you call it, I have NO CLUE where my daughter got her adventurous palate, because trust me, her brother and sister were looking at her with distaste, her cousins were practically gagging, and Blaine and I were safely down on the other end of the table, eating our fried rice and beef and broccoli and sweet and sour chicken.  Boring, NORMAL Chinese stuff.

So I was going to make some comment about how proud I am of her bravery at the dinner table, then I remembered.  I’m taking her and five of her friends on an out-of-town trip for her birthday this weekend, while Blaine holds down the fort at home.

Who’s brave now???

Every year since Brayden was born, Blaine and I have sent flowers to her birthmother, “M”, on Brayden’sbirthday.  I mean really, there is no gift quite appropriate enough to convey the heartfelt message, “Thank you so much, your selflessness helped us become a family and we will never, ever, ever be able to repay you ….” but I figure at least flowers, inadequate as they might be, let M know how much we are thinking of her, and appreciate her.  (except this year, it was sort of a close call about whether we would send flowers or not because SERIOUSLY! These pre-teen hormones are a nightmare and when you’ve got a daughter rolling her eyes, and flouncing out of the room, and announcing “that’s why I don’t like you anymore!” do you truly want to send someone a bouquet of thank-you flowers celebrating that?!?)

But I digress …………

Brayden’s birthday is February 13th, and a few times in years past I’ve gone to the flower shop on February 12th to order my flower delivery for M, only to have the sales person laugh in my face because ha-ha!  This is Valentines Week, you doofus, do you really think we have time to do a last minute floral delivery for you on top of the fifty hundred dozen red roses we are preparing for sweethearts all over the city???  So now I’m much more careful to give myself a few days’ cushion, which is why yesterday found me in my local flower shop, placing the order for this year.

This is basically how the conversation went:

SalesGirl:  “Can I help you?”

Me:  “Yes, I’d like to order a floral delivery, please.”

SG:  “For Valentines Day?”

Me:  “No, just a normal delivery.”

SG:  “What’s the occasion?”

This is always a little awkward, because while I have no problem sharing why I am there, on the other hand, sometimes its just easier not to go into detail about how I’m sending flowers to my daughter’s birthmom on the anniversary of her birth as a thank you.

Me:  “Um, its an anniversary.  Well, a birthday, but not *her* birthday.  More like an anniversary-thank-you-kind-of-thing.”

SG:  “OK, so any special kind of flowers?  Or special arrangement?”

Me:  “No, just fresh-cut, I guess.  But I want it to be pretty.  Its for a girl and I want it to be pretty and nice.”

SG:  “So, an anniversary bouquet, for a girl.  What would you like the card to say?”

Me:  “Oh, I can write the card …. do you have one?”

SG:  “Sure …. do you want anniversary?  Or just blank?  Or ……….. (here she sort of paused, delicately …………) a sweetheart card?”

Me, assuming she had already forgotten it wasn’t for Valentines Day:  “A blank card is fine.”

And that’s when it hit me.  She totally thought I was sending flowers to my lesbian lover.

So M, when the flowers show up on Friday, know that we love you.

Just not quite like that. 

Or whatever the title of that book is. 

Ours actually started out as a no good, very bad evening last night.  Putting it into perspective, I *get* that a grumpy child is not a catastrophe, but wow, was Kendrie ever in a cranky mood.  Blaine wasn’t feeling well, so the two of them stayed home while I took Brayden and Kellen to a SuperBowl party.  When we arrived home, the tears were already flowing, for a variety of reasons, but primarily, she was tired and crabby and needed to go to bed.

End story, right?

No.

She woke up this morning, angry with me because I had some volunteer work to do at the school, early, so she had to get up half an hour earlier than normal.  What she wanted to wear wasn’t in her closet —- BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T OWN IT AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WON’T TAKE ME TO BUY NEW CLOTHES RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE??? —- and so Blaine washed a pair of jeans for her quickly, but didn’t get them dry enough, so then she was crying again, and hadn’t had breakfast but was clearly too exhausted to get up and walk in the kitchen, etc, etc, etc.

First I tried to reason with her, then tried being stern, then tried cuddling ….. nothing worked.

Then I saw this:

Clearly, she’s still harboring a little resentment about the move. 

I’m confused, though …..

She’d “rather be in Georgia, which equals love, hope, joy and happiness” ………..

But doesn’t want to live in “insert name of our hometown here” which equals kidnaps, murders, crimes, and POOP.

Hmmmmm.

Did we move to East Central Los Angeles and no one told me?   Since when is our town a den of evil doing?    The POOP part is pretty obvious because the entire family heard me bemoaning the mess in the den last week, but kidnapping?  Crime?  MURDERS???

Curious, I googled my home town annual crime statistics …… we’ve had seven murders total in the last ten years.  With a population of over 20,000, I’d say those are pretty good odds.   But how do I explain that to my melodramatic daughter?

It’s kind of funny, except it actually makes me sad for her to know she feels this way.

Hmmm, therapy anyone?

I just came home from a lovely lunch out with girlfriends celebrating one (much younger, obviously) friend’s 30th birthday and we had a molten chocolate cake to share and we talked and laughed and my day was going swimmingly and then I walked in the door and discovered that obviously I left the dogs in the house too long because one of them I don’t know which one for sure but one of them pooped in our “new” den and of course that room is carpeted because why wouldn’t it be and now instead of just putting on my big girl panties and going in there and cleaning it up I am totally stalling by typing this journal entry on the computer because I’m thinking its Friday and maybe I’ll get lucky and Blaine will get off work four hours early and he’ll magically walk in the door in time to clean that crap (literally) up himself and then I won’t have to do it because seriously the smell and texture of dog poop makes me want to vomit and the entire time I am cleaning it up I will be dry heaving and I’ve got the paper towels and a trash bag but I really really really really don’t want to do this.

Oh, wait …. is that the back door opening ……. ??????

No.

(damnit.  here i go.)